The Funeral Outfit Edit: Five Lessons in Dressing Quietly for Someone You Love

I am the person who stands in front of the closet the night before, quietly, for approximately forty minutes, holding a black dress up to the light and asking whether it is too much, too little or too wrinkled. The answer is usually none of the above. It is just that I want to get it right for the people who are hurting, and I have no shame about caring that much.

 

But somewhere between the black rule, the navy rule and the rule about what the neighbors will think, the funeral outfit has become strangely heavy. We are told to wear black and also that black is not required. We are told to look respectful and also to look like ourselves. Most people googling what to wear to a funeral want permission to keep it simple, and I would like to give it.

 

Which brings me to 1861, when Prince Albert died and Queen Victoria put on mourning clothes she would wear until her own death in 1901, forty years later. Her whole country followed her lead. Full mourning meant plain black, and half-mourning slowly let in gray, mauve and purple. It was a language of cloth, and everyone was fluent. Today the vocabulary is much softer, and the best funeral attire still says the same quiet thing: I came, and I am with you.

 

Some of what I read made me feel relieved. Some of it made me feel a little silly for the forty minutes. And some of it was simply kind. So, here are five lessons, from the dress to the small bag, with a bit of color near the end for the services that ask for it. I went deeper on a related idea in The Christmas Outfits Edit: Five Lessons for Looking Festive Without Dressing as the Tree.

The Emily Post Institute says attire is no longer limited to just black or dark gray, and that is a relief for anyone who does not own a black dress. One funeral etiquette guide goes further and says a dark navy, charcoal, deep brown or muted green outfit can read just as respectful as black. Dark, quiet and pressed is the whole assignment.

 

For funeral attire women actually reach for, a dress is the one decision that settles everything. Picture her in the Proenza Schouler White Label Jayne in navy, or The Row Lana bouclé midi, also navy, with frayed trim that looks soft rather than showy. For black, the Alaïa stretch-jersey midi is plain in the best sense, and Éterne Daria wrap adjusts if the day is long. Rodarte silk-crepe maxi has ruffles that stay small, and Tove Elia drapes like a gentle cape. Eres and CO both make a simple black column.

 

The test I would run: put the dress on, sit down in a chair, then stand up and look in the mirror from the side. If nothing rides up, gapes or clings, it is ready.

 

What I would skip: anything shiny, anything tight, anything with a slit that needs managing. Although if a dress needs a safety pin, the pin is forgiven. Nobody is checking.

Not everyone wants a dress, and nobody has to. A dark trouser and a fine sweater is a complete funeral outfit women have worn for decades, and it covers shoulders and knees without any effort at all. It also does not crease in the car, which matters more than it sounds.

 

Pleated silk is a lovely thing to wear when you cannot stop moving your hands, and The Row Kriza wide-leg pants fall straight and calm. Jean Paul Gaultier wavy crepe pants have a little movement, Alaïa wool-felt tapered pants are sharper, and Gucci flared wool-blend crepe pair is for a colder day. On top, I would go with Khaite Davin cashmere sweater in black, or The Row Poynta cashmere cardigan in charcoal, which can sit over a dress later. Allude wool and cashmere blend and Loulou de Saison navy Baltra are the quieter, rounder options.

 

A funeral home can run cold, and a cardigan is useful as a shawl, a hug and a blanket. Keep necklines modest and sleeves at least to the elbow.

 

What I would skip: a sweater with any kind of lettering, and trousers so long they brush wet ground. Although I have never once regretted hemming.

A service can last all morning, and the graveside part is often on soft ground. One guide suggests shoes you can stand in and layers that keep you from shivering or overheating, and I think that is the most loving advice in the whole subject. A wake or visitation is a different day, usually a little less formal, and often a long evening on your feet in a receiving line.

 

Flats solve nearly everything. Ann Demeulemeester Zoey and Aeyde Nomi are both clean leather ballet flats that go with trousers or a dress. Maison Margiela Tabi has the split toe for anyone who wants a quiet wink. Khaite Zoe loafers in navy are for the family friend who stays and helps pack the casseroles.

 

If you want a heel, keep it low and blocky. Khaite Valerie 55 and Gucci Galleria 60 are low enough to stand in, Aquazzura Orbit 65 is suede and a little forgiving, and Zimmermann Astor is patent for the day with no mud.

 

The test I would run: stand in them for ten minutes in the kitchen while you make coffee.

 

What I would skip: stilettos on a lawn. They sink. Although a flat in the car is always a good idea.

Sometimes a family asks for something warmer. Planners say the clearest form of respect is to follow what the invitation or obituary says, and one guide suggests keeping the silhouette simple and letting color show up in one controlled element. Most people googling what to wear to a celebration of life really want that kind of permission, and the grays and creams in between are the easiest way in.

 

Think of Queen Victoria's long half-mourning, with its gray and mauve. Same idea, kinder century. Dôen Ischia floral midi in cream is soft cotton voile, and Ulla Johnson Ida floral in light blue is stretch jersey, a gentle print. Issey Miyake plissé-chiffon midi in light green moves without fuss. Tove Ceres in gray and Ouida in sand are both easy maxis, and Dôen Darcy and Lisa Yang Zirelle cardigans are layers if the venue is a garden.

 

When the plan is a wake the night before and a lighter service the day after, I would wear dark to one and soft color to the other. If you are not sure what to wear to a wake, dark is never wrong.

 

What I would skip: anything with a slogan, anything neon, and a print so busy it becomes the topic. Although a family that asks for sunflowers will adore it if you wear one.

The details are where kindness lives. A small bag still has to hold tissues, a phone you will silence, a card to leave, and a mint. A simple necklace is enough, because a quiet piece says you came prepared and do not need an audience.

 

Kallmeyer Magazine bag is patent leather and holds a surprising amount for its shape. Savette Slim Symmetry Pochette is more of a clutch with a handle, Toteme T-Lock in pony hair has a soft texture, and Bottega Veneta Baby Madison is the roomy one. I would choose the one that closes with a click you cannot hear.

 

For jewelry, Sophie Bille Brahe Luce is a tiny pearl, Yvonne Léon and Foundrae diamond necklaces are small and meaningful, and Lié Studio Scarlet is the most delicate of all. Victorians wore jet for mourning, and their jewelry could carry a lock of hair. Our version can carry a story and no hair.

 

Skip: loud earrings that swing when you hug someone, and a perfume cloud. Although if you are wearing your late grandmother's brooch, wear it, and wear it proudly.

What these five lessons add up to is not really clothes. It is the shape of showing up. A navy dress, a dark pair of trousers, flat shoes, a small bag with tissues: all of it says you thought about them first. If you want to keep going, The Cottagecore Outfits Edit: Five Lessons for Dressing Like You Bake Your Own Bread is the one I would read next. I went deeper on a related idea in The Dark Academia Edit: Five Lessons for Dressing Like You Own Too Many Books.

 

I will still be tempted to hold a black dress up to the light for forty minutes the next time, because that is how I am built. I think it is a good habit, actually. It is love, in a very small, practical form.

 

If you are heading to a service, be gentle with yourself and wear something that lets you hug people. The rest is just fabric.